Difficult feelings are normal when going through a break-up, separation or divorce ..

When couples face the end of their relationship, whether they are the person who has been surprised, the one who has made the decision or whether it has been an amicable split, they often feel overwhelmed by a whirlwind of emotions that can seem impossible to understand or navigate. What many don't realize is that ending a relationship—even when it's the right decision—involves a profound grieving process that follows predictable patterns, especially if it has been a significant period together.

The Kübler-Ross grief cycle, originally developed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969 to describe how people process terminal illness, has since been recognized as a valuable framework for understanding how we cope with any significant loss. And make no mistake: the end of a relationship, especially a marriage or long-term partnership, represents one of life's most significant losses.

What Are You Actually Grieving? Before diving into the stages, it's important to understand what you're actually experiencing when a relationship ends. You're not just thinking about the loss of your partner, you're grieving the future you had planned together with the dreams and goals you shared. You are mourning the loss of your daily routines and shared experiences which bring the comfort and security of familiarity. You are hurting over the loss of the family unit you created together and the version of yourself that existed in that relationship with your identity as part of a couple. This grief is real, valid, and necessary—regardless of who initiated the separation or whether it was mutual.

Important Considerations …

Your experience is not linear and this is completely normal. As shown in the diagram, there is no regular pattern in moving from one grief emotion to another. You may experience anger on one day, and then depression on the next. Bargaining could be followed by acceptance but soon cycle back to denial. You might experience multiple different emotions in a single day or not experience some of the feelings listed at all. It is a real roller coaster and can be truly exhausting. It is important to be kind to yourself and your children, to actively seek support, whether from family and friends or from a professional.

Even the person who initiated the separation experiences grief. They may have started their mourning process months or even years before bringing up the topic, which can create confusion when they seem further along in acceptance.

Children Grieve Too. Your children are experiencing their own version of this grief cycle, often cycling through stages at different times than their parents. Understanding this can help you provide appropriate support.

Time Doesn't Heal Everything, But It Helps. While the intensity of grief typically lessens over time, some sadness about the loss may always remain. This doesn't mean you haven't moved on—it means you're human.

The Five Stages: A Roadmap Through the Grief

Stage 1: Denial - "This Can't Be Happening" Denial often shows up as a refusal to accept that the relationship is truly over and believing that somehow things will return to normal. You may find yourself making excuses for your partner’s behaviour and continuing to plan for a future together. You may also avoid conversations about separation or divorce in a “burying your head in the sand” approach. In practice you might find yourself setting the table for two, buying your partner's favourite snacks, or telling friends "We're just going through a rough patch" long after serious discussions about ending the relationship have begun.

Stage 2: Anger - "This Is Someone's Fault" Anger can be directed at your partner, especially if there are children in the relationship. It can be focused towards yourself in admonishments like “I should have seen this coming”. It could also be levelled at outside influences with the belief that it is family and or friends who have influenced the party who is leaving. In practice you might find yourself having imaginary arguments, feeling rage during everyday activities, or experiencing intense irritation at things that never bothered you before. You may become obsessed with thoughts of who is guilty and not be able to focus on everyday tasks.

Stage 3: Bargaining - "Maybe We Can Still Fix This" Bargaining often involves an offer to change habits with promises regarding future behaviour. One partner may suggest counselling or therapy, sometimes for the first time. Sometimes there is negotiating for “one more chance”. In practice you might find yourself researching marriage counselors, planning romantic gestures, or making dramatic lifestyle changes in hopes of saving the relationship. Some people bargain with a higher power: "If I'm a better person, maybe this will work out."

Stage 4: Depression - "I Can't Handle This Pain" Depression in this context includes a deep sadness about the loss and feeling overwhelmed by the magnitude of the change ahead. People can struggle with loneliness and isolation, questioning their worth and lovability. A partner can have difficulty imagining a positive future on their own and have deep concerns about any children involved. In practice you might experience changes in sleep patterns, appetite, or energy levels. Simple decisions feel overwhelming. Social activities that once brought joy may feel pointless. This isn't clinical depression (though it can develop into that)—it's a natural response to loss.

Stage 5: Acceptance - "I Can Move Forward" Acceptance doesn't mean you're happy about the situation, but rather can show an acknowledgement of the reality of the relationship's end. A person can begin to envision a different but potentially fulfilling future, focusing energy on practical next steps. In this stage it can be possible to find moments of peace amidst the sadness and a partner can find themselves starting to establish new routines and identity. In practice you begin making plans that don't include your ex-partner. You can discuss the separation without becoming overwhelmed by emotion. You start to see possibilities for personal growth and new experiences.

By understanding that this grief is normal but challenging for everyone can help in encouraging you to practice patience with your children and your ex-partner. Understanding that your ex-partner may be in a different stage of grief can increase compassion and reduce conflict. Their anger might be grief in disguise, or their apparent coldness might be their way of managing overwhelming sadness.

Many people discover that working through grief in a healthy way leads to a greater self-awareness and emotional intelligence, a clearer understanding of their needs and values, increased empathy and kindness towards others, stronger, more authentic future relationships and a deeper appreciation for joy when it returns.

Final Thoughts The end of a relationship is one of life's most challenging experiences, but it's also profoundly human. By understanding the grief process, you can navigate this difficult time with greater self-compassion, make better decisions for your family's future, and ultimately emerge from the experience with new strength and wisdom. Remember that feeling grief doesn't mean you've made the wrong decision about ending your relationship. It simply means you're human, and you're processing a significant life change in exactly the way humans are designed to do. The pain you're feeling today is real, but it's not permanent. With time, support, and self-compassion, you can and will build a fulfilling life on the other side of this loss.